What Defensiveness Means in a Couple Relationship – And the Formula to Create a Safe Haven For Your Love

What Defensiveness Means in a Couple Relationship – And the Formula to Create a Safe Haven For Your Love. "Beneath the content of what partners say to one another in fights, each wants to be assured of their value in relation to the other."  Yes, the Universal Search for Love and to be Loved.   The words often sound like the "I love you more, no I love you more" competition played by children.  As time goes by terms and tones change from banter to baiting to bitter.  

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2011/04/what-defensiveness-means-in-your-couple-relationship/

"Recent research on the brain reminds us that all communications, regardless how they are delivered, are attempts to emotionally connect. As it turns out, we are wired for love and empathic connection.

What does it mean when you or your partner react defensively? For one, it means your brains are working the way they’re designed to work.

In Hold Me Tight, research expert on intimacy, Dr. Susan Johnson, states it makes sense scientifically that couples fight over silly things. Beneath the content of what partners say to one another in fights, each wants to be assured of their value in relation to the other.

Partners are asking three core questions that connect to both our deepest yearnings and our deepest fears as human beings:

Are you accessible when I try to reach out to you?

Will you be responsive to my needs?

Are you engaged in this relationship?

In other words, beneath the content of words spoken in fights, partners are looking for answers to questions of: Are you there for me? Are you emotionally present? Do you see, value and love me?

What does reactivity mean?

1. Reactivity is an automatic response controlled by the subconscious mind — the “non-thinking” part of the brain that controls all of the autonomic functions of the brain and body.

It means some event or action has shaken our sense of self-worth or value in relation to our partner. And, in response, our body’s automatic protective system activated our, very own, customized neural pattern to give us a quick-fix way of lowering the anxious feelings.

In short, it means we do not know how to create our own inner sense of safety in situations that most challenge us, so that we can better deal with a “perceived” threat to our connection to the other.

Do you ever wonder why you say things you wouldn’t normally say when you get triggered or respond reactively to your partner or certain situations? It’s because the part of your mind we call the subconscious, or unconscious, automatically triggers a “fight or flight” reaction in response to something you, consciously or subconsciously, perceive as a threat.

• When you do not feel safe in relation to the other, automatically your body’s primary goal is to restore your sense of safety and security.
• Your subconscious mind is hardwired to give primacy to your drive to survive — and pushes aside your higher purpose drives to love and be loved.
• When your subconscious mind senses danger, distance is a solution that spells safety.
• Yet distance poses a threat of a different kind, as it blocks you from meeting your higher strivings for love and connection.

As a result, the brain remains on guard against possible “threats” to your emotional well being — and the cycle repeats itself."


http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2011/04/what-defensiveness-means-in-your-couple-relationship/

What Defensiveness Means in a Couple Relationship – And the Formula to Create a Safe Haven For Your Love.  This is one of the most sensible treatments of this compelling topic that I have ever read.